(An unmet Need causes us to feel empty, incomplete, or less than whole. Fulfilling a Need gives us freedom to be ourselves.)

The old line (usually attributed to Alan Greenspan) is, “I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” The point is about miscommunication, about being misunderstood.

It’s one thing to not be understood. That’s simply not being an effective communicator. To learn to communicate clearly and effectively is a useful life skill. Speakers, teachers, salespeople, and preachers all benefit from being effective communicators.

But the Need To Be Understood is a different ballgame. It’s about what’s going on inside the communicator not in what they say or even in what is heard. Needs have an emotional content and context.

Inherent in the Need to be understood is a requirement for feedback, agreement, acknowledgement, and/or approval from the outside. The Need drives one because without the feedback from the outside they feel off, less than, underappreciated, not enough. The Need is a hole, a ‘missing’ in the communicator which they need the outside to fill. From hole to whole. At least temporarily.

The Need To Be Understood causes an internal experience of pain or discomfort when it is not being met, that is, when not getting what it needs from the outside.

Being an effective communicator, having people understand what you say, is simply the mark of a caring communicator, perhaps even a pro. But they don’t need to be understood in order to be okay.


Coaching Point: Have you ever experienced being with someone who has this Need To Be Understood?


Copyright 2023 Steve Straus. All rights reserved.